Monday, January 21, 2008

Give Me a Pipe!

A title that needs some explanation. I was having coffee with a friend the other day and we were lamenting the lack of snow we'd gotten after being promised - nay, prophesied - a "major snow event." I hate being disappointed, although I shouldn't have bought into the hype. Still, it was (to use the vernacular) a bummer.

Anyway, the conversation turned to other things we find frustrating and I said something along the lines of, "Sometimes you just want to beat the other person with your bare hands." My friend replied, "Bare hands, nothing. Hand me a pipe!"

Hence the title of the post. Now, I am not advocating random (or even carefully-planned) violence in a back alley. But it's true - sometimes you just get exasperated and, even though you'd never actually swing the pipe, it can look momentarily tempting. Therefore - a list of things I find pipe-worthy. You'll notice that most of these are petty, niggling little things. Somehow those get under my skin more than the massive things like famine and man's inhumanity to man. (Hey, it's MY list!) So, in no particular order, 5 things that make me want to swing:

1. Is it really necessary to cut me off in traffic and then slow down?
2. I despise people who curse randomly in public. Yes, yes, we all know the words; couldn't you try to be a wee bit more creative? Not every Anglo-Saxon vulgarity needs to be used as an adjective because you're too lazy to think up a new way to express yourself.
3. Not tipping your waiter/waitress is just mean. It's a rough job and that person is not there to dance for you like a monkey on a string. Standard is 15% where I'm from and if you can't calculate that, figure out 10% (it's easy; just move the decimal one place to the left) and double it until you learn how to do the math.
4. People who whine and complain about being called for jury duty, then do their level best to weasel out of it, and then have the raw nerve to complain about our justice system.
5. People who take cell phone calls at the movies - if your buddy wanted to come with you, they'd be there! Simple rule, people - when the lights go down, turn off the phone!

Well, that's the start of my list. What yanks your chain?


amnbdad said...

I hate when people make lists in no particular order. I mean assign value to things, mathematically process them and rank them in order. Is it really that f#*king hard?

Mockingbird said...

It's MY list, monkey boy! Go make your own, if it rattles you so much! (smile, for I am merely teasing!)

Elizabeth said...

People who spit gum on the sidewalk or otherwise dispose of their ABC gum where other humans will encounter the sticky mess with their shoes or hands. Ewwww. If I ruled the universe, those thoughtless souls would end up in their own special hell, possibly next to the one with the folks who talk [on cell phones] in theaters.

Fortunately, I do not rule the universe!

Stacked Librarian said...

1. Tailgaters
2. People who come to a complete stop to turn right when there is no reason.
3. E-procurement
4. Phone solicitors
5. Junk mail
6. People who play their music in the car so loud that you can hear it in yours even when all of the windows in both vehicles are up.
7. Annoying cell phone ring tones. It seems like the more obnoxious it is the louder the ringer is set.

There are more things of course, I just need to stop before I work myself up into a lather.

Caitlin said...

You are still brillant! Happy birthday early! Can't wait to read your book. I'm so excited that I finally figured out how to leave a comment. Lisa and Adam say hi.

Mockingbird said...

Oh, wow!! If I'm right, "Caitlin" is an old college friend (as is Lisa and Adam is her husband) - I knew there was a reason I sent my blog address out with Christmas cards! Come back often!!

Christine said...

Women in the bathroom that leave a mess. You get a toilet seat cover so that no part of your body touches that nasty seat and you actually leave that cover on the toilet seat when finished, instead of flushing it, because heaven forbid you would have to touch the seat cover yourself? Now you've left it for someone else? Seriously???? Or, you leave a mess on the seat and don't wipe it off, or you leave your time-of-the-month object out instead of placing it in a trash can??? Did your mothers not teach you anything? Where's the pipe???

Caitlin said...

Where can I get signed copies of your book when it is published? We are making a list.

Mockingbird said...

Caitlin - really, you're making me blush! Details will follow in the next post, which I should have up tonight. Things are progressing on the book front and I'm learning that putting together an index isn't as "quick 'n' easy" as you might think!