About That Getaway . . .

In my last post, I listed "say 'yes' to something spontaneous and slightly crazy" as a way to pamper myself in my continuing quest to both enjoy life more and avoid burnout.  I said I'd go into more detail about that in this post.  Well, my idea of "spontaneous and slightly crazy" was put into motion by the incomparable FryDaddy, whose talent for knowing my moods and indulging my whims is nigh-uncanny.  He'd made a few plans and we'd tweaked them a bit, due to a prior commitment I had at school (New Student Orientation and Sushi Buffet Fish Fry Open House) and off we went for a whirlwind getaway to Durham, which was the only town in North Carolina to possess a theatre showing Joss Whedon's adaptation of Shakespeare's Much Ado about Nothing. (Turns out we were wrong about that, but by the time we knew that, we were already having fun in Durham, so there it is.)

When I say "whirlwind," I mean it.  We got to Duke Tower around 7 pm on Thursday and left by 8 am Saturday (remember the Sushi Buffet Fish Fry Open House?), so it was a short getaway, but all hands agree - it was a successful, much-needed one.

Highlights include:

• Duke Tower itself.  This hotel/condo establishment was created from an old cotton mill - they kept one of the smokestacks and the old fire tower is now the site of a breakfast cafe.  (We slept in and missed it, but maybe next time.  And we hope there's a next time!)  The Tower caters to long-term guests - corporate execs, folks participating in various programs at Duke University Hospital, that sort of thing.  For the cost of a room, you get an apartment - good-sized living room, full kitchen and bath, and a nice-sized bedroom with plenty of closet space.  It's an older property and the shower head was low enough that I had to buckle my knees a bit and poor FryDaddy whacked his nose pretty well at least once.  All rooms overlook the central courtyard, which features a pool (very romantic on a warm summer's night), plenty of shaded sitting areas with comfy chairs, an oversized chess set (the pieces were about knee-high on an adult), shuffleboard, and even a nine-hole miniature golf course! FryDaddy had carefully packed provisions and equipment and we had a lovely flank steak dinner cooked "at home" that first night.
• Much Ado about Nothing.  I'm an unashamed Whedon fan and I was stoked for this movie!  Full review details are found here, but suffice it to say it was worth a three-hour drive.  If you think Shakespeare is not for you, I beseech you - give this one a try.  The language sounds natural and the comedy is full and rich.  Give yourself a break from the boomboomblowemup and try this screwball comedy.
• Seeing old friends - we got together with a dear friend who we don't get to see that often for dinner and the movie and (mostly) I managed to not talk about work.  Gotta continue to work on that.
• Dinner with said old friend.  The hotel recommended Pop's, an Italian-style trattoria close to both the hotel and the theatre (more on that in a moment).  It turned out to be an excellent suggestion!  Pop's is the sort of restaurant that is upscale-scrumptious without being snooty-snobbish.  They pride themselves on local ingredients and the difference is obvious.  It was so delicious that FryDaddy and I returned for dessert after the show, where we managed to convince the amused wait staff to let us talk with the chef/owner Chris Stinnett.  Our goal was not only to compliment the food and service (which richly deserved the "attaboy"), but also to ask if we could buy a couple of the heavy diner-style coffee mugs.  Duke Tower is great, but the coffee cups are smallish and we are full members of the Caffeinated Tribe.  Chef Chris was taken aback, but graciously acquiesced to our wackadoodle request.  Seriously.  Pop's.  Go there.
• The Carolina Theatre.  Much Ado was playing in a small screening room and it was marvelous to watch this movie with an audience of like-minded folk (who also understood that YOU TURN OFF YOUR PHONE DURING A MOVIE.  Sorry.  Pet peeve).  The Carolina is a theatre for movie fans.  They also have live shows, but just check out their movie offerings - and don't overlook their "special screenings."  Great stuff, picked by people who know their films.

Sure, I wish the trip had been longer - but boy-howdy! - am I glad we took what we could!

Thanks, FryDaddy.  I continue to maintain that you're the best decision I ever made.

Twenty Minutes

I've heard it for years - "you have to take care of yourself," "you can't give what you don't have," "put your oxygen mask on before you help someone else," and any number of other variations on the importance of self-care as a method of caring for others.  I've often written about my quest for less stress, but I've had a hard time getting the habit to take hold and I doubt I'm alone.  I think for many of us, the idea of taking care of our own needs conflicts with our desires to be taking care of others; that there's some inherent virtue in going last, eating the burnt toast, and taking the shower after the hot water's gone.

There's not.  If anything, that behavior borders on Martyr-Land, which is a dull and guilt-ridden place to visit.  Therefore, I've been trying to work "me time" into life on a more regular basis.  It's difficult at first, but all the books and magazine articles are right - why save all the good stuff for company that may or may not come?  I think Americans tend to go all out and not be good at all at balance - we work like dogs all year with very little downtime, then spend our rare holidays overdoing it.  Too much rich food, too much sun, too much play, too much of everything.

So how can I moderate pampering myself?  Well, this is still a work in progress, but here are ten I've tried:

• Take 15 minutes in the sunny hammock when I get home from work.  Sprawl there with a book that isn't work/research related.
• Actually use those flavored sugars I bought during our last spree at the spice shop in Asheville.  (I'm typing this with a cup of coffee fixed with a teaspoon of espresso sugar by my side - I think it's the coffeeist coffee I've ever had, and I'll probably have plenty of energy in my summer classes today!
• Make a strong cup of tea and drink it from the good china teacups that never get used.
• Meet a girlfriend for gossip and pedicures.  I picked a bright, clear pink, but next time, I'm going further and getting a little design on the big toe.
• Tell the Scoldy Voice in your head (the one telling you that this relaxation stuff is a frivolous waste of time) to go take a long walk off a short pier - I deserve to be treated well, and that includes by me.
• Get girly with a bubble bath, a homemade moisturizing mask (yep, that's where the end of the mayo went, FryDaddy), and my hair wrapped up in a towel to let the olive oil/egg yolk deep conditioning treatment sink in.  (Rinse well with this one!)
• Turned off my phone, at least for a little while.
• Say "thank you" to the people who keep my life running more or less smoothly - I have a husband who works hard for the family and does most of the supper cooking.  (Other household chores are split, but are often my responsibility, since he's away at school most of the time).  He cooks well and he appreciates it when I notice.
• Tell the Divine "thanks" - we're guaranteed nothing in life and, speaking for myself, I'm stunned by the calculus I need to count my blessings, even on my snarky days.
• Say "yes" to something spontaneous and slightly crazy - more on that in my next post.

The part of  this that has really shocked me is how long the effects of treating myself like company last.  Everything they're telling you about this is TRUE!  Carve out ten, fifteen, twenty minutes for yourself every day.  Have a list of things to do - even something as simple as "don't eat lunch at your desk" can count.

We're willing to try any number of crazy things in our quest to get more exercise, become slimmer, and dump our junk food habits - how about trying this for 30 days with the goal of getting happier, becoming more peaceful, and dumping some of that stress we carry around constantly?  Set a timer if you are afraid you'll relax "too long" or make a sticky note with a reminder to "tell three people thanks today."

Just try it.  You might like it.

Five Month Check In!

Which way is up?

One thing I'm learning on this year-long journey is the vital importance of "course corrections."  While progress has been in the forward direction, not all days are "perfect," and that's a good thing for me to learn.  I have a tendency - and I think I share this quality with many, many people - to underestimate how much time something will take and therefore, to plan too much for each day.  Then when I don't manage to cross everything off my list, well . . . I have to fight the idea that I'm a lazy, backsliding failure.

Oh, how dark and dusty and cobwebby are our brains!

While May was a good month, it was also chock-full of Big Days.  It began with the third anniversary of the decision made by me and FryDaddy to solemnize our relationship and agree publicly that we were in this for the Long Haul.  May also contained the exam period for the spring semester, which means it also had the grading frenzy.  There was graduation, a few solitary days at the beach (where I discovered a series of steampunk novels that I began tearing through and am trying hard to take the time to enjoy now that I'm back in the Everyday World), registration for summer classes, a fun-packed, but also wearying, weekend presenting on Joss Whedon at the Birmingham Alabama Phoenix Festival, and then the start of a super-abbreviated summer school session which will last all through June.

As you can see - too much going on there.  And the Joss in June conference that FryDaddy and I have been working on for a year happens at the end of this month, along with the aforementioned summer school sessions, so June is likely to be busy, too.  In May, I fell way behind on my "star" days (in fact, it's been three weeks since I even put a star on the calendar) and quick, processed food was an easy lure to get me through my routinely 12-hour-plus days.

All the more reason for me to take time out and off.  I'm hoping this month to start with little things, like making time for a cup of tea after my last class is over for the day.  (I like tea.)  Not constantly eating lunch at my desk while looking at the Internet.  More walks in the sunlight and saying "yes" to fun things with friends instead of regretfully saying, "No, I have a meeting at 7 tonight, but maybe in two weeks??"  Trying out that backyard hammock and watching the garden grow.

We only have so much time on this Earth and I want to spend more of it with those I love rather than with those I grade.  So it's time for a deep breath and a new look at things.  I want to keep working on menu planning to reduce the amount of angst over "what's for dinner?" and "oh, no, I need three things from the store" (which, at least for me, always seems to turn into $35).  I want to get back to eating food I can pronounce and getting in at least mild exercise every day - rushing from appointment to appointment doesn't count.

New month, new start!

Three!

 May has been quite a full month.  It begins with the anniversary of FryDaddy and me having the common sense to say, in front of God and witnesses, "Yep.  This one.  Done and done."  The traditional third anniversary gift is leather - FryDaddy gave me a gorgeous, vaguely-steampunked, leather-and-rivet-bound copy of Neil Gaiman's The Graveyard Book, which is a re-telling of Kipling's The Jungle Book that I greatly enjoy.  I gave him tickets to an open-air Bob Dylan concert.  (While Dylan may look a little leathery, I'll admit the gift was a bit outside the traditional bounds.)  FryDaddy will probably don sackcloth and ashes when Dylan goes to his eternal reward, whereas I'd never seen him in concert before and was very much the noob.  (Although I did know "Tangled Up in Blue.") However, I had a great, GREAT time and would gladly see him again.  I hadn't been to a concert in quite a while and the open-air venue (a little rain, but not much) made for terrific people-watching.  Everyone from two groovy-girls to a couple of white-haired gentlemen still in business suits - and everyone seemed to be having a good time.  It made for a wonderful anniversary celebration.

May is also the end of the spring semester and it was the usual rushrush of suddenly-frantic students.  However, the tumult is over and I even managed to clear out a filing cabinet in my quest to go closer to paperless.  (My lawyer training pretty much guarantees that I'll never completely make the jump.  As a species, attorneys just like paper too darn much.)

My summer herbs and vegetables are going in the ground later today - when it's been dry enough to plant, I've been grading or writing (I just finished copyedits on the Breaking Bad book today), but I need to get that done, because . . .

Chair for one, please!

. . . I head to the beach tomorrow!  Just me and just for a few days, but I'm so looking forward to it, even if I also have just a touch of guilt about wanting a few days away.  I love FryDaddy and the Furs (now there's a name for a garage band!) and our house and our life together - but it's been a rough ride lately!  Too many commitments, too many deadlines, and a few too many demands.  Time to take the phone off the hook for a couple of 24-hours and flip through magazines, finally finish Season 6 of Supernatural and dig my toes into the sand.

I understand that, to many, the idea of vacationing alone (especially when I'm in a commuter marriage where we don't see each other that much) seems odd and maybe even peculiar.  And it's true that I'll miss being at home.  But sometimes, you need to be gone to appreciate what's there.

Four Month Check In!

A little more each day!

Time for the monthly check-in of those New Year resolutions and, I'm proud to say, the news is mostly good and in a way that I wouldn't have thought of as "good" a few months back.  I guess that's what you can call "growth."

See, I'm using a "star" system.  I have certain tasks to do each day and, just like in kindergarten, if I do them all, I get a star.  If I don't do them all, but made an attempt, I get a star of a different color.  That's it.  It's a "yes/no" system; I didn't want to get into a Madras-plaid color chart based on how many of the tasks I accomplished.  All = one color (it varies from month to month; April is green) and not all = another color (silver this month).  I have more green stars than silver this month, but I've had plenty of days where I didn't make my step count (you try 8,000 steps in an April monsoon!), or I failed to eat five servings of fruit/vegetables (tonight, for example, a horrible day of grading meant I not only fell off the "good eating" wagon, I performed a reverse 2 1/2 somersault in pike position to stick the landing with chorizo dip for dinner.  My lunchtime carrots are long ago and far away). That sort of thing.

Here's the funny part.  As recently as two months ago, I'd see a silver star as a failure, even if I'd gotten four of my five tasks done for the day.  Somewhere along the way, I picked up a nasty case of perfectionism and let me tell you - that sucker will kill you flat.  If I didn't complete all my tasks, I felt like I wasn't quite good enough and that, my friends, is a soul-killer.  It's one of the reasons I marvel at my new attitude regarding the cleanliness of the house and the tidiness of the yard.  In the past, cleaning the house meant yanking the furniture out of place to get at the baseboards, scrubbing, scrubbing, scrubbing, running six loads of laundry, and yes, when I was done, the house would gleam and be scented with the sharp pungent clean of bleach.  Outside, it meant digging a flower bed by hand - starting with tearing up the grass, then mixing in heavy bag after heavy bag of compost, garden soil, etc., then planting - all in one session.  At the end of either, I was exhausted and usually badly out of sorts and I never wanted to do it again.

Honestly, perfectionism can paralyze you.  By being so persnickety about - well, everything - it becomes harder and harder to start.  "Well," you think.  "I don't have time to do it right and if I don't do it right, it doesn't count, so I might as well not try at all."  Further, you seldom give other people a break, insisting self-righteously instead that they're just not trying hard enough.  "No," you say.  "You can't help, because you won't do it right and then I'll have to go behind you to fix it and that just makes more work."  You are, in short, a stressed-out shrew of a human being, who is clinically unable to give yourself or others a moment of compassion.  Clutter and chaos gain another toehold while peace and calm retreat a little further.

But people can change.  Slowly, but it's possible.  Now, I do a little each day and a few simple routines every day to keep the hot spots I've cleared from flaring back up.  (Thank you, FlyLady!)  And the house is cleaner than it's ever been, I'm slowly getting more organized (plan-ahead menus and grocery lists are next month's additions to the Isle of Calm), and I'm less stressed about it than I've ever been.

It's also a matter of having the right tools.  I tell students this all the time - although a hammer and a screwdriver are both useful tools, they are hardly interchangeable.  Use the right tool for the right job - it's much easier.  Yet I refused to take my own advice when it came to caring for my home, which is supposed to be a haven from the nuttiness of the outside world.  Gradually, I've been investing in better tools and, as Stepford Wife as it may sound, it really does make things easier to do, which makes me far more likely to want to do them.

Is the house perfect?  Is the yard?  Oh, no.  Nonononono.  But it's cleaner and flowers may yet bloom and tomatoes may yet be picked.  What's even better is that things are distinctly calmer, for there is Great Truth in that old adage, "If Mockingbird ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

Sing it, birds!

If Mock ain't happy . . . 

Earth Day

While not quite possessing the pomp of Groundhog Day (really - top hats and tails for a woodchuck with a magical shadow?), Earth Day has steadily become a semi-large holiday.  You can tell by how many retailers have sales and giveaways and every year, a few more "go green."

Alas, I am spending Earth Day buried under grading that must be done (although it's crossed my mind to do some composting with a few of the items, let me tell you), but I celebrated/observed early this year.  My mom came down to the Nest, bearing shovels, spades, boxes of plants, and a can-do spirit that both inspires and exhausts me.  We spent a large part of the weekend scheming, digging, mixing, planting, and watering - in between trips to the local Home Superstore for various bits and parts.

Before - bare, ugly and hopeless.

Two hours of hard work later

Look, the yard is an ongoing project, I'll admit that.  But it's farther along than it's ever been. With the raised beds, hammock on stand, groundcover, summer bulb bed, and cunning plastic flamingoes, it's downright livable!

That's what the realtors call
"curb appeal"!

Three Month Check In!

Which is the Cadbury one?

Well, I'm about 90 days into my "let's get real about overhauling things" journey and it's time for a monthly summary.  I'm pleased to report that things look much better than they did a month ago.

First up, after the Doldrums of February, I had to get re-committed to my goals.  I did this and yes, I'm back on track. I broke a weight-loss plateau, which was nice, but more importantly, I am able today to look back on a solid month of drinking the amount of water I'm supposed to (just water - I don't count anything else, like my daily coffee fix, or my occasional sodas or tea) and eating at least four servings of fruit/vegetables a day.  (I know that's not enough, but that was my goal and I made it.  In April, I'll shoot for five.)  As silly as it may sound, an app called Plant Nanny is helping with the water aspect of things.  Since mid-March, I've "grown" a pompadoured dandelion and a Devil's Ivy that looks like a very happy celery.  Yesterday, I just started a cactus and I had to give that puppy 24 ounces of water before he stopped sulking this morning.  (Yes, I know how weird that sounds.)

Walking has gotten easier.  I've missed my daily 8,000 steps goal four times this month, but that's okay, too. Remember that I don't take "days off" with that, so every single day I'm trying to fit in those steps.  Some days - whether due to work, play, or just weather (March is changeable indeed!) - it just didn't happen.  Then again, I've made it more a priority, which is especially good on those l-o-n-g office days.  Get up and move - it helps your mind shift gears.

The house - funny story here.  About five years ago, I had my old-school jalousie windows replaced with full glass ones.  I was all about them being far more energy efficient, but when the installer was trying to demonstrate to me how easy they were to clean, because they tilt inwards, I looked at him like he was extolling the virtues of eating buzzard guts.  Wash windows?  Crazy.  Until I gave it a try this month.  I need to call that guy - he's right!  It IS easy, it DOES let in more light, and the whole house looks better!  I'm trying to follow the FlyLady system of "it's good enough and you can do anything for 15 minutes a day" as I declutter and organize the house this year and with window-washing, all I'm doing is washing the windows of one room a week.

By the way, if you're feeling that your house is cluttered, dingy, crowded, and hardly a place of haven from the hurly-burly of the world, RUN, don't walk, to FlyLady.net and click the "Getting Started" tab.  Then shine your sink.  I know, I know.  It sounds silly and irrelevant.  Do it anyway.  I found this system just before the New Year and it's mind-blowing.  It'll take me all year to get it down pat, but I've got the basics and I've decluttered a ton (probably literally) in 90 days and I've got my morning/evening routines in place.  And yes, I work full time.  You can still do this and your house can be a place that welcomes you rather than a place you want to hide from.  15 minutes a day.  Don't try to do it all at once.

In other news:

• Easter is tomorrow!  I have an inexplicable urge to put on a flowered hat and this is an urge I shall obey.
• There's no joyous Easter without the solemnity of Maundy Thursday and (especially) Good Friday.  On Maundy (Holy) Thursday, we are reminded of the call to serve others that is a hallmark of the Christian faith as the pastor humbly washes the feet of a congregant.  (It's a holdover from the Catholic Church and the newly-elected Pope Francis got this one right.  Wow! Jesuits. There may be some serious shaking up of things with this pontiff.)  My religious tradition also involves a Good Friday service that chills me as with each of the readings, the sanctuary gets progressively darker, until the final words "It is finished" are spoken, the Christ candle is extinguished, and the massive book of scripture is slammed shut.  Congregants then disperse in silence, a far cry from the usual chatter that follows my favorite benediction: "Go preach the Gospel.  Use words if necessary."
• My drama class finished their examination of Macbeth by watching Kurosawa's Throne of Blood this week.  Yeah, everybody (and there were a few) who sneered and told me that my students couldn't appreciate/handle a black-and-white film with subtitles and even the ones who thought I should show it for the same reason parents give Brussels sprouts to their kids - they won't like it, but it'll be good for them - can please accept my invitation to go take a running leap into the nearest lake.  They got it, it was valued over the BBC "straight" version they saw last week, and several of them loved it.  That made my day.  It really, really did.
• In scribbling news, a major milestone has been reached in the writing of Wanna Cook? the guide to Breaking Bad that I'm co-writing with Ensley (also known here as FryDaddy).  We have a detailed breakdown of deadlines for the rest, and the whole enchilada is due to be written, edited, polished, and (whew!) handed it for printing in mid-October.  It's going to be a wild six months, but I sincerely believe the bulk is done.  
• It's a gorgeous, early-spring day, I've got a house that's decently in order, a husband who thinks I'm the best decision he's ever made, two cats with distinct personalities, a dog that could make Scrooge smile, more friends than my house can hold, work I enjoy, a weekly movie show, and a book contract.  On top of that, I have a spa day scheduled Monday with two girl friends and next week is spring break.
• It's good to count your blessings and run out of fingers.

Happy Easter to all!