Savor. Yes, You. Right Now.

Yeah, you have to look closely at the picture to make out the scratched-in letters.  That's sort of the point, though.  Savoring takes time.  Usually, we don't savor very well - we're in too much of a rush.  When you get caught up in deadlines and last-minute "emergencies that aren't" (I'm looking at you, everything to do with information technology upgrades) to the point that you forget to eat, you don't savor the meal that you hastily unwrapped and inhaled.  Sure, you kept from getting so hungry that you made a royal ass out of yourself in the client meeting, but really - you want to count that as a win?

Aim higher.

Look, I know more than I like to admit about failing to find balance between work and life.  I eat too many meals at my desk, I answer too many e-mails when I'm supposed to be at home off the clock, and I fret far too much about things, people, and places over which I have no - zero, nada, zilch, nil - absolutely no control.

So maybe I'm the perfect person to tell you this.

Stop.

Just.  Stop.  Not forever, but just for a few minutes.

In the last few days, I've reached a major milestone in a project that started more than 18 months ago.  It's not done yet, although I think that faint shimmer on the horizon is the finish line, so I can almost see it from here.  This is a project that I am button-bustingly-proud of and it is only right and proper to take some time to savor the accomplishment.  (Seriously - if you wait for the world to crown you, you're likely to be waiting a l-o-n-g time for that sash and tiara.  I'm telling you, go buy your own and call yourself the "Possum Princess" or the "Count of Accounting" or whatever suits your particular fancy.  Don't worry what other people think - mostly, they're jealous that they didn't think of the idea and very few people will say much of anything to someone confident enough to wear a tiara, especially when coupled with a heavy scepter.)

So I've been savoring.  With the help of my intrepid co-author and Savoring Majordomo, FryDaddy, I have or have plans to:

• Take a day off - no work at all on anything.  No checking e-mail, no "just this one thing."  Nuttin'.
• Sleep in on a weekday.
• Eat a deliciously hearty breakfast brunch that would make any decent physician blanch with horror.  But tell me what makes bacon better than warm maple syrup left over from a thickly-buttered waffle.  Exactly.  Nuttin'.
• Read a sword & sorcery novel that is so by-the-numbers that I can predict the ending.  Read to the end anyway.
• Take a nap in the middle of the day with my husband.
• Decorate the house for Halloween.
• Consider the possibilities of pumpkin.
• Have a long phone call with my parents, who have been short-changed during this last writing push.
• Discover new ways to combine coffee and sugar.  (Cortadito, anyone?)
• Spend a day in an undisclosed location with a girlfriend, a stack of glossy magazines, and a licensed esthetician.
• Make dinner from scratch.
• Daydream about teaching the cats the foxtrot.
• Eat an entire pint of really good ice cream in a single sitting.
• Take time.

Above all else, take time.  Look around and be sure you can answer the question, "Why do I do this?"  Sure, sometimes it's simply to pay the bills and keep the wolf from the door; I get that.

But life needs to mean more than that.

Our responsibility is to make sure that it does.

The Importance of Kindness

Today, FryDaddy and I met our friend Barefoot for lunch.  Nothing big - it was at a place where you unwrap your food as opposed to white tablecloths.  But the company was stellar and the conversation sparkled.  All of which reminded me of a few things.

See, life has been a little too hectic lately.  I know it's not the Universe being Out to Get Me, but pressure has been coming from enough different angles to make me feel a bit "squozed" lately.  Too much work, in too little time, with too little rest will do that to me.  Add to that the fact that the news stories lately have been dominated by accounts of humans acting as if they had been raised by rabid hyenas, and a certain world-weariness had begun to creep into my everyday thinking.

Things just aren't that bad.  Not really - not the Big Stuff.  So with the changing of the seasons, it seems like a good time for a short list of things that show me that humanity still falls on the "worth saving" side of the scale and that I've got it pretty darned good.  For instance:

• I live in a neighborhood where most people wave back at me when I'm out on my almost-daily walk with Spooky.  Or even when it's just me.
• On the tragic anniversary of 9/11, I am reminded of the prayer of Father Mychal Judge, who believed so wholeheartedly in the basic goodness of humanity that his desires were summed up as, "Lord, take me where You want me to go, let me meet who You want me to meet, tell me what Your want me to say, and keep me out of Your way."
• For my vocation (from the Latin vocare, "to call"), I do work that matters that I usually enjoy.
• For my avocation, I do work that I enjoy.  FryDaddy and I are partway through the final push on the Wanna Cook? project and, not only do we manage to write together without getting our egos bruised by the other's editing of our work, we have a book cover!  And a pre-order page on Amazon!

• There are entire Websites devoted to spreading news of people doing good things, often anonymously.  They remind me that I can do that, too.
• Postsecret - a great site that reminds me that humanity is silly, soulful, caring, whimsical, and sometimes in desperate need of a hug.

Most days, I remember that I'm worth taking care of and - here's the shocker - other people seem to agree with me on that point.  It's weird how willing most of us are to take care of other people, while treating ourselves pretty much like three-day-old fish.  Kindness should flow inward, as well as outward.  Now I know that not every problem in my life - or in anybody's - can be solved with a hot bath and a well-brewed cup of tea, but those things seldom make things worse and so often (so very, very often) it's all about realizing that every day comes with an ending, that situations are temporary.

It's certainly true that you can't control your circumstances - you may well have ridiculous work deadlines or asylum-ready co-workers or a deeply-hurting shoulder or more errands to run than you have time/money and the kitty clearing off your nightstand might be the final straw that day.  What you CAN control is your reaction to those circumstances.  Accept that things seem off, that the pressures are mounting and a release is necessary for the mental (and quite possibly, the physical) health of you and those around you.  Then go take care of yourself, in whatever way doesn't involve destruction (no fair scaring animals, children, or adults who live with you) and start over the next day.  Some favorite suggestions:

• Gorge on dollar store candy while glaring at a salad (I recommend Sugar Babies or Red Hots, although I wouldn't sneer at a package of Reese's Cups)
• Watch a favorite movie or TV show (I find Firefly and Casablanca to be strong medicine)
• Take the phone off the hook (short term only, otherwise people who love you worry)
• Shut off the e-mail and texting devices (again, short term only)
• Take a break from the 24-hour news cycle
• Go on a long drive up to the coast or out to the mountains with Motown blaring from the radio.  It doesn't matter if you don't get wherever "there" is, just change your scenery for a bit.

Life is worth living and it's worth living well.    Make it a personal mission statement to do just that - especially in the times of turmoil.

Seven Month Check In!

I very nearly called this post "Retreat!  Retreat!" but it sounded too urgent and a wee bit militaristic, which is pretty much the polar opposite of what this post is about, so I kept with the established "monthly check in" theme.

At the start of July, I added regular daily workouts to my (still developing) routines.  I've de-cluttered most of the house, so it was high time I began to take a look at the clutter I carry around with me body-wise.  As I said before, I know what I ought to eat, and I've made some healthy changes in those directions, but my sweet tooth leads me to despair sometimes.  But what really bugged me was that I just didn't feel strong - and I wanted to.  So I had started experimenting in June with workouts and quickly figured out a few things:

• I had to be realistic - why was I doing this?  My goal isn't to become a runner (no offense to my friends who go that way) or bench-press my body weight - I want to get fit, lose that same fifteen pounds that insists on sticking close to me, and have energy throughout my day.
• I needed to pick something that I could do in my house - past history has shown me that gym workouts don't work well for me with my schedule.
• I needed something that didn't require equipment.
• I needed something that made me break a sweat, yet was short enough that I could do it often.

So I settled on three days of half-hour interval training (short bursts of intense activity, followed by shorter periods of less intense movement) and three days of strength training (starting at one set and adding another set every two weeks - I'm up to three and am aiming for four).  I'm experimenting with substituting one day of yoga for one of the strength training sessions and my regular half-hour walk is still part of my daily round.  How to do this?  Welcome to YouTube!  I have a regular set of videos I use (there's a boxing one and [hangs head] one that's designed around 70s pop music) and I might expand those after I've done this routine for eight weeks (I'm just about to start Week Six) - we'll see.

Not much change in either weight or inches, but I have to say - I feel better.  More energy and I'm beginning to feel stronger.  I'm going to keep with it - I'll report back in another month.  And I've heard that no matter how slowly I go, I'm still lapping the me that sat on the couch, so there's that.

This past weekend, my routines were disrupted a bit as I kept a promise to a friend and went on a women's retreat in the mountains.  I've never done such a thing before and I wasn't at all sure.  (Seriously.)  I have to say, it was magnificent.  We stayed at a Catholic retreat center that was basic (not rustic - all the modern amenities were there) and far enough removed from the world that you actually had time and space to listen to the clamor in your own head and work to still it - I thought of it as dealing head-on with my mental clutter.  The center had extremely limited Wi-Fi, which turned out to be a godsend for me.  I've become a touch tech-dependent and I believe it did me a world of good to unplug for 40 hours.  I left the iPad plugged in and used it as an alarm clock and noted the amount of water I drank, but that was it.  No logging my food (yummy summer camp style food, by the way), no checking Facebook or e-mail or news.  (OK, I did call to check in with FryDaddy, but this was massive unplugging for me!)  Obviously, I'm plugged back in, but I think that's going to change some this next month - unplugging meant I paid more attention to the people around me, instead of being that Jimmy Buffett lyric about "taking Polaroid pictures that are never in focus/Just to look at when they finally slow down."

This weekend was marvelous.  And these women are inspiring - tough, funny, honest, and quick to see the best in you.  Really, I want to be these women when I grow up.  Thanks to their example, maybe I'm a little further along that path today than I was last Thursday.

It's going to be a good month!

The Proper Use of Downtime

Following the lovely madness that was the Joss in June conference (and we're still in the "wrapping up" stage of that project as we collect comments from attendees and make some decisions about ongoing "best practices" for convening a conference) and the end of my two summer school classes, FryDaddy and I had decided to take some time off in July.  Some of that time is going to be devoted to a couple of home improvement projects that we've wanted to do for two years (funny how that works, isn't it?), but we also knew we needed a getaway to have a chunk of time that was devoted just to us.

I highly recommend it.  In our case, it wasn't expensive - remember that I work for a public educational institution in a state that is at the bottom of the barrel in terms of pay scale and FryDaddy is a grad student, so luxury vacations for us are something quite different than they may be for others - and it was wonderful.  Since I was a little girl, my parents have had a beach place at the upper end of the Redneck Riviera.  It's a 1960s motel that was cut up into condos (complete with knotty pine ceilings!) and, with a little planning ahead, we can usually get some time down there in summer.  This time, my sister was down with her two youngest.  (Other members of the family come and go, but my niece is doing a gymnastics camp, so she and my sister are the constants in July.)  Our schedules don't usually permit much down time to visit - we live about two hours apart and we're both insanely busy, so our visits are usually the stuff of holidays.

This was nice.

I still have trouble unplugging as much as I want to (and as much as I should, to be honest), but I did all right.  I kept up with my newfound resolution to exercise thanks to YouTube videos and a willingness to look a little foolish in the living room.  We also took our youngest nephew to see Despicable Me 2 and got him totally sugared up on Slushies and Nerds.  I had a walk on the beach with my niece during which she explained the intricacies of her level of gymnastics.  All of us worked on a gigantic puzzle that was bigger than the table it was laid out on.  There was sand, and sun, and surf.  There was coffee savored in the porch swing.  There were days that started closer to lunchtime.  There were bookstores to explore when it rained torrentially.  And there was that most precious of commodities - time.

Don't overlook that.  Time.  You don't know how much of it you get and, to my knowledge, on their deathbed, no one has ever said, "If only I'd spent more time at the office."  Yes, work matters, but remembering why you bother in the first place - that ought to be at the top of the list every single day.

Six Month Check In!

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This is a couple of days late and once you hear about June, I think you'll understand.  This was a wacky, crazybusy month - Joss in June took up any spare time that wasn't already devoted to my two summer school classes (which wrapped up two days before the conference; grades were turned in yesterday) and that's a schedule I hope to never have again!!  Yes, I know - I'm the one who set it up, but I don't always look out for my best interests.

For a conference report, go over to the main blog (linked above) and let me add one thing.  Ensley served as social media contact & guru and this conference simply would not have happened so smoothly and so well without his efforts. Communication is key and he kept things up to date, which is a much bigger task that you might initially think.

Looked at in the cold, hard light of day (okay, it's July in North Carolina, so it's more like the "hot, humid, languid light of day," but that doesn't sound as dramatic), June was rough.  All the hard work paid off - not just with the conference, which is garnering rave reviews and warm fuzzies by the bucketload (all of which are greatly, greatly appreciated!), but also with my classes.  Five-week summer sessions are intense and there's just not time to fool around, something a few students always unfortunately fail to realize.  But these were really good classes - students were engaged, interested, creative, and attentive.  Still - it takes work and a tremendous amount of energy, so I had days upon days in which I tended to conference details before class, did six-plus hours of song&dance for my classes, then dove back into conference "stuff."  By the time I was done, I was done.  There was far too much collapsing on the couch for a couple of hours, muttering "Love you" to my stalwart husband who kept things running, then dragging off to bed to toss and turn over what hadn't gotten done that day.

While some habits are becoming engrained - through this madness, I kept up with my basic routines, drank my water, ate fruits/vegetables, and added in one called "me time" (see my previous "Twenty Minutes" post) - my exercise often consisted of running around with my hair on fire and my eating habits - well, let's say that stress causes me to eat very badly and leave it at that.

So in a lot of ways, I'm starting over.  But in a lot of ways, I have good habits already in place; they're just a little dusty.  Also, in the last two weeks, I started playing with adding in half-hour interval workouts (amazing what you can find on YouTube) and I found a couple of online coaches who don't yell at me, but instead encourage, cheer, and in general, make me feel good about deciding to try something that's both new and hard.  (Really.  "In shape" does not describe me, unless the shape of that of cookie dough.)

We'll see.  I've been here before, of course, so what makes me think this is different?

I do.

I understand far better than I used to the importance of recharging and rest in the process of working.  Oh, I've talked about it, sure, but I never really "bought into" the concept.  I deserve to feel good in my own skin and to feel soothed when I come into my house.  So a little strength training today, sweep the front porch and water the plants, all followed by a luxurious massage, and next week - an "unplugged" vacation with my darling, a stack of fun books, and a beach.

Yeah.  A girl could get used to this.  And I hope I do.  Hard work is a good thing, but too much of it for too long is not.  Rest.  Recharge.  Renew.

About That Getaway . . .

In my last post, I listed "say 'yes' to something spontaneous and slightly crazy" as a way to pamper myself in my continuing quest to both enjoy life more and avoid burnout.  I said I'd go into more detail about that in this post.  Well, my idea of "spontaneous and slightly crazy" was put into motion by the incomparable FryDaddy, whose talent for knowing my moods and indulging my whims is nigh-uncanny.  He'd made a few plans and we'd tweaked them a bit, due to a prior commitment I had at school (New Student Orientation and Sushi Buffet Fish Fry Open House) and off we went for a whirlwind getaway to Durham, which was the only town in North Carolina to possess a theatre showing Joss Whedon's adaptation of Shakespeare's Much Ado about Nothing. (Turns out we were wrong about that, but by the time we knew that, we were already having fun in Durham, so there it is.)

When I say "whirlwind," I mean it.  We got to Duke Tower around 7 pm on Thursday and left by 8 am Saturday (remember the Sushi Buffet Fish Fry Open House?), so it was a short getaway, but all hands agree - it was a successful, much-needed one.

Highlights include:

• Duke Tower itself.  This hotel/condo establishment was created from an old cotton mill - they kept one of the smokestacks and the old fire tower is now the site of a breakfast cafe.  (We slept in and missed it, but maybe next time.  And we hope there's a next time!)  The Tower caters to long-term guests - corporate execs, folks participating in various programs at Duke University Hospital, that sort of thing.  For the cost of a room, you get an apartment - good-sized living room, full kitchen and bath, and a nice-sized bedroom with plenty of closet space.  It's an older property and the shower head was low enough that I had to buckle my knees a bit and poor FryDaddy whacked his nose pretty well at least once.  All rooms overlook the central courtyard, which features a pool (very romantic on a warm summer's night), plenty of shaded sitting areas with comfy chairs, an oversized chess set (the pieces were about knee-high on an adult), shuffleboard, and even a nine-hole miniature golf course! FryDaddy had carefully packed provisions and equipment and we had a lovely flank steak dinner cooked "at home" that first night.
• Much Ado about Nothing.  I'm an unashamed Whedon fan and I was stoked for this movie!  Full review details are found here, but suffice it to say it was worth a three-hour drive.  If you think Shakespeare is not for you, I beseech you - give this one a try.  The language sounds natural and the comedy is full and rich.  Give yourself a break from the boomboomblowemup and try this screwball comedy.
• Seeing old friends - we got together with a dear friend who we don't get to see that often for dinner and the movie and (mostly) I managed to not talk about work.  Gotta continue to work on that.
• Dinner with said old friend.  The hotel recommended Pop's, an Italian-style trattoria close to both the hotel and the theatre (more on that in a moment).  It turned out to be an excellent suggestion!  Pop's is the sort of restaurant that is upscale-scrumptious without being snooty-snobbish.  They pride themselves on local ingredients and the difference is obvious.  It was so delicious that FryDaddy and I returned for dessert after the show, where we managed to convince the amused wait staff to let us talk with the chef/owner Chris Stinnett.  Our goal was not only to compliment the food and service (which richly deserved the "attaboy"), but also to ask if we could buy a couple of the heavy diner-style coffee mugs.  Duke Tower is great, but the coffee cups are smallish and we are full members of the Caffeinated Tribe.  Chef Chris was taken aback, but graciously acquiesced to our wackadoodle request.  Seriously.  Pop's.  Go there.
• The Carolina Theatre.  Much Ado was playing in a small screening room and it was marvelous to watch this movie with an audience of like-minded folk (who also understood that YOU TURN OFF YOUR PHONE DURING A MOVIE.  Sorry.  Pet peeve).  The Carolina is a theatre for movie fans.  They also have live shows, but just check out their movie offerings - and don't overlook their "special screenings."  Great stuff, picked by people who know their films.

Sure, I wish the trip had been longer - but boy-howdy! - am I glad we took what we could!

Thanks, FryDaddy.  I continue to maintain that you're the best decision I ever made.

Twenty Minutes

I've heard it for years - "you have to take care of yourself," "you can't give what you don't have," "put your oxygen mask on before you help someone else," and any number of other variations on the importance of self-care as a method of caring for others.  I've often written about my quest for less stress, but I've had a hard time getting the habit to take hold and I doubt I'm alone.  I think for many of us, the idea of taking care of our own needs conflicts with our desires to be taking care of others; that there's some inherent virtue in going last, eating the burnt toast, and taking the shower after the hot water's gone.

There's not.  If anything, that behavior borders on Martyr-Land, which is a dull and guilt-ridden place to visit.  Therefore, I've been trying to work "me time" into life on a more regular basis.  It's difficult at first, but all the books and magazine articles are right - why save all the good stuff for company that may or may not come?  I think Americans tend to go all out and not be good at all at balance - we work like dogs all year with very little downtime, then spend our rare holidays overdoing it.  Too much rich food, too much sun, too much play, too much of everything.

So how can I moderate pampering myself?  Well, this is still a work in progress, but here are ten I've tried:

• Take 15 minutes in the sunny hammock when I get home from work.  Sprawl there with a book that isn't work/research related.
• Actually use those flavored sugars I bought during our last spree at the spice shop in Asheville.  (I'm typing this with a cup of coffee fixed with a teaspoon of espresso sugar by my side - I think it's the coffeeist coffee I've ever had, and I'll probably have plenty of energy in my summer classes today!
• Make a strong cup of tea and drink it from the good china teacups that never get used.
• Meet a girlfriend for gossip and pedicures.  I picked a bright, clear pink, but next time, I'm going further and getting a little design on the big toe.
• Tell the Scoldy Voice in your head (the one telling you that this relaxation stuff is a frivolous waste of time) to go take a long walk off a short pier - I deserve to be treated well, and that includes by me.
• Get girly with a bubble bath, a homemade moisturizing mask (yep, that's where the end of the mayo went, FryDaddy), and my hair wrapped up in a towel to let the olive oil/egg yolk deep conditioning treatment sink in.  (Rinse well with this one!)
• Turned off my phone, at least for a little while.
• Say "thank you" to the people who keep my life running more or less smoothly - I have a husband who works hard for the family and does most of the supper cooking.  (Other household chores are split, but are often my responsibility, since he's away at school most of the time).  He cooks well and he appreciates it when I notice.
• Tell the Divine "thanks" - we're guaranteed nothing in life and, speaking for myself, I'm stunned by the calculus I need to count my blessings, even on my snarky days.
• Say "yes" to something spontaneous and slightly crazy - more on that in my next post.

The part of  this that has really shocked me is how long the effects of treating myself like company last.  Everything they're telling you about this is TRUE!  Carve out ten, fifteen, twenty minutes for yourself every day.  Have a list of things to do - even something as simple as "don't eat lunch at your desk" can count.

We're willing to try any number of crazy things in our quest to get more exercise, become slimmer, and dump our junk food habits - how about trying this for 30 days with the goal of getting happier, becoming more peaceful, and dumping some of that stress we carry around constantly?  Set a timer if you are afraid you'll relax "too long" or make a sticky note with a reminder to "tell three people thanks today."

Just try it.  You might like it.

Five Month Check In!

Which way is up?

One thing I'm learning on this year-long journey is the vital importance of "course corrections."  While progress has been in the forward direction, not all days are "perfect," and that's a good thing for me to learn.  I have a tendency - and I think I share this quality with many, many people - to underestimate how much time something will take and therefore, to plan too much for each day.  Then when I don't manage to cross everything off my list, well . . . I have to fight the idea that I'm a lazy, backsliding failure.

Oh, how dark and dusty and cobwebby are our brains!

While May was a good month, it was also chock-full of Big Days.  It began with the third anniversary of the decision made by me and FryDaddy to solemnize our relationship and agree publicly that we were in this for the Long Haul.  May also contained the exam period for the spring semester, which means it also had the grading frenzy.  There was graduation, a few solitary days at the beach (where I discovered a series of steampunk novels that I began tearing through and am trying hard to take the time to enjoy now that I'm back in the Everyday World), registration for summer classes, a fun-packed, but also wearying, weekend presenting on Joss Whedon at the Birmingham Alabama Phoenix Festival, and then the start of a super-abbreviated summer school session which will last all through June.

As you can see - too much going on there.  And the Joss in June conference that FryDaddy and I have been working on for a year happens at the end of this month, along with the aforementioned summer school sessions, so June is likely to be busy, too.  In May, I fell way behind on my "star" days (in fact, it's been three weeks since I even put a star on the calendar) and quick, processed food was an easy lure to get me through my routinely 12-hour-plus days.

All the more reason for me to take time out and off.  I'm hoping this month to start with little things, like making time for a cup of tea after my last class is over for the day.  (I like tea.)  Not constantly eating lunch at my desk while looking at the Internet.  More walks in the sunlight and saying "yes" to fun things with friends instead of regretfully saying, "No, I have a meeting at 7 tonight, but maybe in two weeks??"  Trying out that backyard hammock and watching the garden grow.

We only have so much time on this Earth and I want to spend more of it with those I love rather than with those I grade.  So it's time for a deep breath and a new look at things.  I want to keep working on menu planning to reduce the amount of angst over "what's for dinner?" and "oh, no, I need three things from the store" (which, at least for me, always seems to turn into $35).  I want to get back to eating food I can pronounce and getting in at least mild exercise every day - rushing from appointment to appointment doesn't count.

New month, new start!